I figured it would be more fun to absolute roast all the shittiest films of the year instead of ranking the best of the best and yadda, yadda, yadda. It's so much more fun to just skewer stuff than to praise it, am I wrong? So...where to begin? Why not with the king of the movie scrap heap,
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
Never in my life have I dozed off (MULTIPLE times) in a movie as loud and obnoxious as this. With it's marathon 2.5 hour running time, you'd think the producers would do a better job of keeping me entertained. Failure on all counts. Where to begin? The atrocious acting by Shia LeBouf (most overrated actor working today) was irritating beyond belief. He knows two emotions: frantic and paranoid and plays both of them to the hilt. You have Megan Fox, a vapid bimbo with no acting skills. Her sole purpose is slow-mo shots of her breasts gracefully bouncing as she runs. No complaints there, but she is a horrible person in real life which kinda lowers her hotness in my book. On top of that, you have racial stereotypes robots who exist to the amusement of who? Ten year olds? Maybe? Michael Bay piles so much shit into this movie and expects you to just take it. The lightning quick editing, loud explosions, and transforming robots might amuse dimwitted geeks but did nothing for me. And what was up with the final battle? How shitty and anti-climactic can you get? P.S.--robots humping people or eachother is not funny the first time, nor is it funny the hundredth.
Talk about a huge letdown. I been a fan of Sascha Baron Cohen for a hot minute, probably since '05 when my boy Tone put me up on
Da Ali G Show. When I heard they were making a
Borat movie, I was super psyched and it was one of the best comedies of that year, probably of the decade. Well, Cohen decided to take another one of his alter-egos, the flamboyantly gay fashion designer Bruno, and try to capture lightening in a bottle. Ultimately, it was a total failure. While the movie had it's laughs, I have no desire to see it again. It lacked that spontaneous quality that
Borat had, and majority of the movie seemed staged. Also, Borat was a character that was easy to fool people, because he was such a moron, that people felt bad for him and were suckered in. Bruno is not like that. He's not likable. Cohen has to basically force himself on people to get any kind of reaction, and it just doesn't feel right. The only really memorable scene was the cage fight sequence at the end, and I can't really get the energy up to sit through this again. All comedic geniuses are allowed a misstep in their careers, and
Bruno was Sascha Baron Cohen's. Hopefully he will rebound with his next film, whatever it may be.
I have not actually seen
New Moon in it's entirety, but I have seen portions of it, and read enough reviews, and saw the first film to vent all my frustrations upon the
Twilight franchise, so let's begin, shall we? I used to be a huge vampire fanatic. I enjoyed reading Anne Rice novels, studying vampire folklore, real nerdy stuff to be sure.
Interview with the Vampire still is one of my all-time favorite flicks. Then this
Twilight shit hit and everyone and their brother, sister and mother is obsessed with vampires. But
Twilight has desecrated everything that makes vampires cool. Instead of suave, debonair ladies men with a thirst for blood and the female flesh, a la Lestat or Bram Stoker's Dracula, we have this toothless emo bitch Edward Cullen. His skin sparkles in the sunlight! He doesn't like to drink human blood! He's a pussy!! The worst vampire in history...well, aside from that
Queen of the Damned horse shit, God bless the dead, Aaliyah. Then you got Kristen Stewart, who is a black hole of charisma and a total bitch. You gotta wonder why Edward and "I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt" Jacob are even bothering fighting over her. She ain't all that! The books are supposedly an extended metaphor for chastity, abstinence, the whole nine yards. I think it's a noble message to be sending to the young ladies who read the books. But does it have to be done in such a shitty manner? Stephanie Meyers herself is a hack; I've read the first book in the series and could not soldier on. It's lowest-common-denominator literary trash, like a soap opera in book form. But women dig that sorta thing, I'll never understand why.
Why? That's the only question that comes to mind as to the continuation of the
Saw franchise. What began in part one as a pretty original and cool idea has degenerated into a cesspool of cinema. Over the top gore, a storyline so confusing that I dare anyone, ANYONE to spell it out for me and just a general laziness on the part of the film makers make this franchise a sore subject for me. But you same idiots keep going and watching each installment. ARE YOU THAT STUPID?? ARE YOU THAT BIG OF SHEEP?? "Ohh gee I remember seeing one of the Saw movies, let's see this because it's familiar!" Fucking idiots, I swear. Stop following what everyone says is cool to do and START WATCHING GOOD MOVIES. If not, this crap will never end.
The tagline for this shitbox of a movie is "We Were Warned". For the love of Christ I wish someone would have warned me. I liked this movie the first time I saw it, when it was called
The Day After Tomorrow, also created by Roland Emmerich, who is right on Michael Bay's tail as the biggest numbskull working in Hollywood. Does all this guy know how to make is apocalyptic movies with dental floss thin plots and cardboard acting?? I thank my stars I spent the majority of this film making out with the chick next to me and not watching it...because it was awful. Chock full of stereotypical characters, emotional, gravitas filled speeches and cliche sequences, not to mention tons and tons of DEATH and DESTRUCTION. This movie was like a kick to the balls and I feel cheated and robbed for paying money to see it. FUCK YOU, Hollywood, stop making these movies. Think of something original!
John Cusack, you shoulda known better, man. You're a GOOD ACTOR. Are you this desperate for a paycheck??? Danny Glover, I'm looking at you too, but your Uncle Tom ass sold out a loooong time ago, so I think hope might be lost for you. Avoid this movie like AIDS.
Lastly, we come to this douchebag, Channing Tatum. He's been cranking out the craptastic movies since
Step-Up and in 2009, he disgraced us with not one, not two, but THREE awful performances. This guy is the biggest meathead and undeserving of his fame. But once again, women think he's hot, so he gets work. I really wanna know how the female brain works. Anyway, if you didn't see the movie
Fighting you weren't missing much. Take the premise of movies like
Rocky, dumb it down for the MTV audience, throw in Terrence Howard embarassing himself as a (gay? Jewish? just very effeminate?) fight promoter and you have
Fighting. For the love of Pete, what a shitstorm. The fight scenes are aiiiiight, if not farfetched, but really, it's not enough to save the movie. And why does Tatum play a "wigger" like persona in every film he's in? He's not believeable as a street tough. He looks like John Cena's retarded brother. Tatum also managed to show up in the atrocious
GI Joe and the disappointing
Public Enemies.
GI Joe at least I expected to be awful...but I feel just Tatum's mere presence onscreen ruined any hope
Public Enemies had. If there is a God, or at least any justice, Channing Tatum will die in a plane crash tomorrow.
That's my take...but here are the few bright spots of the year:
BEST MOVIES:
Funny People,
Coraline,
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince,
The Hangover, Adventureland, Zombieland, Where the Wild Things Are, The Orphan
BEST ACTOR: Adam Sandler,
Funny People
MOST SLEPT-ON MOVIE:
The Goods
BREAKOUT STAR: Zach Galifianakis,
The Hangover
BEST NUDE SCENE: Jessica Biel,
Powder Blue
BEST SEQUEL:
Crank 2
BEST LOOKING ACTRESS: Isla Fisher in
Confessions of a Shopaholic, Heather Graham in
The Hangover
Feel free to add your thoughts, see ya next time!
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