No More Heroes

Childhood memories are often not all they are cracked up to be.  Looking back, most of the games I played on Nintendo that I thought were good really sucked ass.  "Full House" was can't miss TV when I was 7 but watching it now, it's painfully corny and unfunny.  I used to say I had better toys as a kid than they do now until I see Nintendo Wii, DS and fuckin' Bakugan.  I mean, yeah, Ninja Turtles and He-Man were the shit, but it was primitive.  No matter what anyone tells you, I wouldn't trade a DS or PSP for a fucking Pound Puppy or Cabbage Patch Doll any day of the week.  No sir!

That brings me to the topic of today's blog: Hulk Hogan.  As a child, I was a Hulkamaniac through and through.  I also liked bad guys like Ravishing Rick Rude, "Mr. Perfect" Curt Hennig and the "Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase.  But if it wasn't for the Hulkster, I woulda never started watching wrestling.  The dude had it all: an epic 'stache, chiseled physique, swank bandana and a theme song that could give goosebumps to even the most hardened anti-patriot terrorist.  When that music hit the speakers in arenas around the globe, you knew it was fuckin' go time:



Hulk was the man.  He played Thunderlips in "Rocky III"...he slammed Zeus THROUGH THE RING in "No Holds Barred" and he was man enough to don a tutu in "Mr. Nanny".  In the ring, Hulk inspired millions of youngsters and rallied a nation.  He vanquished the Iron Shiek in Madison Square Garden in January of 1984 to capture his first world championship and "Hulkamania" was born on that night, brother.

Hogan proved that all it took to stand up to adversity in life was belief in yourself, training, saying your prayers and taking your vitamins.  No challenge was too great for the Hulkster.  Hell, he took on the 7'4", 500 pound Andre the Giant in front of 93,000 fans in the Pontiac Silverdome at Wrestlemania III, jack!  As a kid, I thought it was impossible.  The episode of Piper's Pit, where Andre was (rightfully so) pissed cuz Hogan won this giant trophy for being champ for three years while Andre only got a puny one for a seperate accomplishment that escapes me.  Andre had enough, yanked Hogan's prized crucifix from his throat and left him there while Roddy Piper played the role of Captain Obvious, staring at Hulk's chest and saying "Hulk, you're bleeding...you're bleeding".  How was Hogan possibly gonna bounce back from that travesty?  Well, he did and when he bodyslammed Andre in the middle of the ring and dropped the mammoth legdrop, I knew anything was possible.

I remember being distraught when Earthquake (a fat slob who was pushed as a monster hellbent on destroying Hulkamania) squashed Hogan's ribs on the Brother Love Show. Tugboat, an equally fat slob who dressed like a gay sailor but was Hogan's ally, shilled Hogan friendship bracelets to help raise money for Hulkster's recovery.  I didn't know how Hulk would do it but he came back and vanquished the 'Quake just like everyone else before him.

The Hulkster would go on to wage many more wars, from The Undertaker to Ultimate Warrior to Vader to Sting, and each time, somehow, some way he would leave an indelible mark on me as an impressionable youth.  Hulk Hogan was hero who never let me down.

Fast forward about fifteen years and I'm now 25 years old, and a lot more cynical, bitter and jaded.  I don't have any heroes anymore, hell, I don't have much of anything anymore.  I have a firm belief in myself, a love for those close to me and that's about it.  I see Hulk Hogan now, and I see the fraud that he was all along.  He said to "train, say your prayers and take your vitamins"...meanwhile he was injecting steroids and snorting coke.  He embarassed himself by shilling ripoff Foreman grills and exploiting his family through a reality show.  His wife divorced him, his son nearly killed another dude in a senseless street racing accident, and Hogan began to expose more kinks in his own armor.  He admitted he wanted to kill himself recently, but Muhammed Ali's daughter stopped him.  He is currently set to return to the ring wrestling fellow dinosaur and disgrace Ric Flair on a tour of Australia.  All of this stuff just piled on top of each other, shattering another piece of my childhood bit by bit.

I turn on wrestling now and it's just a live action cartoon.  No drama, no intrigue.  Just a comedy show that is painful to watch and hard to care about anymore.  Sometimes I feel for the kids who don't get to see the awesome stuff I saw growing up, instead they are stuck with goofballs like John Cena and lunkhead Batista.  But then I think about people like Hulk Hogan, and think, maybe I shouldn't feel so bad after all. 

The moral of this story is appreciate the innocence of your childhood while you have it.  One day, when you are old enough and wise enough to know better, you'll realize everything that seemed magical and inspiring was just a bunch of horseshit.  There's no such thing as a hero, or an idol.  A hero resides in you, because nobody else needs or deserves the pressure of trying to be your hero.  Look at Hulk Hogan...he's proven he isn't so "Immortal" after all, paying the price for having to be your hero.