"The Karate Kid" Remake: WAX OFF!

I heard rumors of this bubbling for a long time, but I had no idea that it was right on the horizon.  A remake of the 1984 classic The Karate Kid, this time starring Will Smith's son Jaden in the Ralph Macchio role and Jackie FREAKIN' Chan stepping into the giant shoes left behind by Pat Morita, God bless the dead.  I cannot fathom for the life of me who thought this was a good idea.  The Karate Kid is an iconic movie.  Not Oscar caliber, but it's a landmark movie, filled with so many memorable scenes, lines and characters.  The chemistry between Daniel-san and Mr. Miyagi could never be duplicated.  The training sequences, the crane kick, the COBRA KAI, "Get him a bodybag!", "Sweep the leg", "NO MERCY!", etc.  These things do not deserve to be fucked with, and should be preserved.

Now, after watching the first trailer for the updated Karate Kid, it looks mildly entertaining.  I think kids of this generation will enjoy it.  But I have a several gripes.  First off, the kids in the movie are too young.  Ralph Macchio as the teenage Daniel was perfect.  The romance angle was right, and it seemed logical that Miyagi would beat up a bunch of teenage Cobra Kai members when he originally saves Daniel's ass.  In this new trailer, when you see Jackie Chan mop the floor with a bunch of nine years olds, it's not cool or dramatic.  It's like, "Yeah, I would hope Jackie Chan could beat up the Asian cast of 'Barney'".  Plus seeing a bunch of pre-teen kids beat the shit out of eachother just doesn't sit right with me. 

I also could've done without the shitty Ft. Minor music used in the trailer.  If this is a sign of things to come, count me out.  If you're gonna rape the legacy of one of my favorite films, YOU BETTER use Bill Conti's epic score and perhaps an updated version of "You're The Best Around" but whatever teeny bopper band is hot these days.  All Time Low or Paramore or some shit...I would be cool with that.  But shitty ass Linkin Park's off-shoot jerkoff band?  I'll pass. 

I don't know, I just don't like the looks of this.  It's ruining the legacy of Karate Kid.  Without Pat Morita, or Ralph Machio, or Martin Krove as JOHN FUCKIN' KREESE, it's the same.  Hell, you need WILLIAM ZABKA to reprise his role as JOHNNY LAWRENCE.  And I'm sorry, no piece of ass was hotter than Elisabeth Shue in the 1980's.  NOBODY.  So on that note, I am a bit disgruntled and bitter about all this.  But don't take my word for it, watch the trailer yourself.

Requiem for a Dream: My Thoughts on Tragedies in Hollywood

As I sit here this evening, with the news of another young entertainer dead from questionable means, I feel that now is finally the time to say something.  Brittany Murphy was only 32 years old, and she was found dead in the shower of a cardiac arrest.  A beautiful, talented young lady, who appeared to be in good health, does not just drop dead of a heart attack at 32 years old.  They said she had a history of diabetes, which can cause stroke or heart attack.   Others are speculating drugs, or a heart attack caused by anorexia, as it was apparently known she was fighting the eating disorder.  My take? It was unfortunately a likely combination of all the above.  But I don't want to speculate, even though the writing seems to be on the wall.  I enjoyed Brittany's work, but I am not gonna lie and say I was a huge fan.  But she was a fine actress, very entertaining.  I'd take her over a Megan Fox or Kristen Stewart any day of the week.  But damn...

I get to thinking about what it must be like to be famous.  To be in that fishbowl, of constant even scrutiny.  Whether you are a superstar like Tom Cruise or Will Smith, all the way down to douchebags like Jon Gosselin or Kourtney Kardashian's baby daddy, the papparazzi and media are watching.  Scrutinizing.  Waiting, watching, for anything to tear you down.  Sometimes it's their own doing...fuck, look what happened to Tiger Woods.  But now due to the insatiable hunger for gossip and dirt, a situation that should have been personal and handled behind closed doors has tore Tiger Woods from his pedestal and smashed him to pieces.  This is the world we live in: build people up, tear them down.  Judge them.  Worship them.  The piss on their ashes when the fire swallows them whole.  We are a sick, twisted species that revels in the misery of others, and thrives in the selfishness of our own behaviors.

Seems as if the ghosts of Heath Ledger, River Phoenix, Chris Farley or Kurt Cobain don't hang over the heads of much of Hollywood, or the world for that matter.  We glorify trainwrecks like Lindsay Lohan and Amy Winehouse, snickering and pointing fingers as their lives fly off the tracks.  Instead of ignoring, and wishing they get help, we laugh at the sideshow.  Brittany Murphy, for whatever reason, seemed to be under the pressure of the Hollywood machine.  Whether it was drugs, or the rumored anorexia, the pressure the entertainment biz puts on women to look a certain way, and the standard of beauty the world as a whole uses, she didn't have a fucking chance.  You got murderers and rapists roaming the streets, we have people in poverty and babies dying of AIDS, yet, all we as a society seem to focus on is who's in the tabloids, who's nipple slipped out, who forgot to wear panties, who's fucking who, and which actor is on a coke binge this week. 

Fame must be a lonely place.  Long seperated from your real friends, surrounded by lackeys and yes-men, all after a piece of your spotlight or the loose change in your pocket.  The loneliness and shallowness of it all could probably swallow you whole.  It's no wonder these stars turn to drugs or alcohol and piss their lives away.  As a recovering addict myself, all those things do is amplify the pain and suffering even more, except it just makes it harder for you to see it.  I don't know for sure what did Brittany Murphy in, but I hope now she is finally free from this shallow, disgusting world we live in.  Anything is better than here.

The players may be different, but the story remains the same, the ending never changes.  Instead of wondering what we can do to change...all we are gonna wonder is who's next?  And that's a crying shame.

R.I.P Brittany Murphy

My Quick Thoughts On "AVATAR"

Call it laziness, call it whatever you want, but I don't really feel sitting here and hasing out an uber-long review of "AVATAR", because really, it doesn't take too long to explain what this flick is all about.  Here's the skinny:

It's the year 2145 (or something close to it), and Earth is in the shitter.  We've run out of oil, so we have sent the military, some scientists and corporate types to the planet of Pandora to mine for a rare and valuable mineral called "unobtanium" (yes, don't laugh, that's really what it's called).

Unsurprisingly, the natives, known as the Na'vi (a blue skinned race of catlike people with tails who stand about 10 feet tall) aren't too keen on the idea of their planet being pillaged.  So the Earth scientists devise the "Avatar" program, which splices the DNA of humans with that of Na'vi to create their own Na'vi who are controlled mentally by their human counterparts.  It's a strange thing to explain, but trust me, it's all very simple on the big screen.  They use these Avatars to gain the natives trust and hopefully run them off their land, the center of which is a massive tree sitting a top a bumper crop of unobtanium.

The hero of the movie is Jake Sully, played well enough by Sam Worthingon.  Sully is a parapelegic Marine who gets a second chance to be a hero by living vicariously through his Avatar.  He is enlisted by cliche hard-ass grizzled army Colnel Quaritch, played awesomely over-the-top by Stephen Lang.  Quaritch uses Sully to infiltrate the Na'vi to learn their secrets so he can ultimately turn on them...but as you can guess, Sully ends up falling in love with a hot Na'vi babe named Neytiri (played by Zoe Saldana, but we never see her in human form, so I don't know if she really is attractive).  Sully ingratiates himself, becomes accepted by the tribe, and it turns out he has a pure heart, and the harmonious nature of the planet is drawn to him.  This doesn't sit well with Quaritch, who decides to hell with diplomacy and launches a full scale war.  Sully has to regain the Na'vi's trust and help them defeat the powerful US military before their planet is destroyed forever.

Alright so that's the plot in a nutshell...now was it any good?  Yes and no.  James Cameron has been tinkering with this idea for close to 15 years and it's finally paid off.  Visually, this movie will blow your mind with all the black light enhanced visuals, lush scenery, and awesomely rendered characters.  The 3D aspect was as good as any I've ever seen in theaters.  It totally immerses you and you feel like you are right there in the jungles, soaring through the skies on the bad ass dragon-like creatures or fighting on the front lines.  Amazing, action packed and engrossing, so much so that the 2.5 hours flew by.

But while it's pretty to look at, the movie is very derivative.  I caught flashbacks from everything from Return of the Jedi to Dancing with Wolves.  The dialogue was especially cheese-tastic, but kudos to Stephen Lang for his scenery chomping portrayl of Quaritch, and Giovanni Ribisi kills as the weasely executive in charge of the whole operation.  But unoriginality aside, this movie brought me back to how I felt as a youngster at the movies.  Full of action, but also an entertaining story and some true heart.  As cookie cutter as the characters are, you do care about them, and in the end it's one helluva way to waste to the afternoon.  And oh yeah, it was cool to see Sigourney Weaver reuniting with James Cameron so many years after Aliens, for all you sci-fi geeks out there.

Long story short, if you are gonna see this movie, do see in at least 3D and if at all possible, IMAX.  Anything else you are wasting your time because it's the spellbinding visuals that keep you sucked in despite the movie's shortcomings.  A really cool movie, moreso like an amusement park ride than a movie actually, that I guarantee you'll have a great time.

RATING: 2.5 out 4

Spotlight on: BANGS, Sudan's Crown Prince of Hip-Hop

Every once in awhile, a lightning bolt of pure, unadulterated talent will strike when you least expect it, setting ablaze the dry and barren musical landscape and capturing the hearts of the world.  Ladies and gents, it has happened again with the emergence of BANGS, a native of Sudan, Africa who currently resides in Australia.  Not much is known of this musical enigma, but he has become somewhat of an overnight sensation after his hit single, "Take U 2 Da Movies" has taken YouTube by storm with almost 1.5 million views.  Before we dig into the real grit of this article, I might as show you the video so you have a taste of what BANGS is all about.  Here's "Take U 2 Da Movies":



 How can you possibly deny the catchiness and charm of that song?  A consummate gentleman, BANGS is not interested in doing the "horizontal foxtrot" with the ladies; he simply wants to show them a good time, by buying them popcorn, soda and enjoying a movie.  If they so incline, they can "lay on his chest, take a rest, and do your best, baby girl".  Not since "Wanksta" or "In Da Club" has an artist emerged and smashed the rap game with such a powerful impact. 

BANGS doesn't forget where he came from either.  He managed to escape the poverty and hunger ravaged country of Sudan to seek refuge in Egypt.  After some time there, he came to Australia.  As he says in his song "I'm Goin' 2 Da Ghetto", "In Sudan, my life was same.  In Egypt, my life was same.  In Australia, I thought it would be same, but everything change".  Through his thick accent, which sounds like a mixture of French, Russian and Arnold Schwarzenegger, you can feel the pain BANGS projects on heartfelt tracks such as this, "My Life is Hard":



Aside from stressing the hardships of life in ghetto, BANGS really tries to uplift the youth with messages such as "You just gotta try hard, so you can move on" and "Fighting with your friends is what makes the life go hard".  He also has a soft spot for the ladies, as he states "You know your man is going through hard time.  I just don't want to see with another man, because it would make me feel, you know, kind of messed up".  Here's the song in question, "Can U Come Back":





Everything is not all peaches and cream in BANGS world, because there "is still too much troubles in my mind".  For a man of the cusp of superstardom, the pain he feels is palpable and saddening.  He wants to "live life and have good time, but I don't know where to go and feel better".  It's a problem we all face, and BANGS relates in perfectly on the heartwrenching anthem "Ain't Feelin' So Right":



BANGS is a musical genius who is about to take over the rap game.  Today, Sudan and Australia.  Tomorrow, the world.  Get familiar with BANGS by visiting his website, www.bangs8.com.  You will not regret taking the time to examine this fresh new talent, and I am excited to see what BANGS does next, as he himself even says, "I can't to see my future everyday, ya know what I mean?"

BANG, BANG, BANGS!!

Album Review: Lil Wayne "Rebirth" / Young Money "We Are Young Money"

Where to begin?  My hatred for all things Weezy related is a long story, truth be told.  Used to be a big supporter of Lil Wayne.  Waaay back when, when he was makin' you "drop it like it's hot", warning you that "the block was hot", urging you to "get off the corner", songs like "Loud Pipes", "Everything", "Shine".  Hell, the first two Carter albums weren't too shabby either.  Yet somewhere along the line, maybe it was after stealing his image from the Clipse, pretending to be a Blood and turning into a martian relying WAAAAY too heavily on Auto-Tune.  Maybe it was when instead of dropping raw streets anthems with Juelz Santana, he started pandering to the MTV groupies and teenage girls with bullshit songs like "Lollipop" and signing the biggest waste of hype and space in hip-hop history, Drake..aka "Wheelchair Jimmy".  If you have a penis and enjoy Drake's music, please kill yourself.  So needless to say, when I heard Wayne was coming with a rock album, I knew it was gonna be the nail in the coffin.  The album has been pushed back all the way to next February, but the kind folks at Amazon fucked up and released it early, so now it's available all over the internet.  I got my hands on Rebirth and all I can say it is as bad you were expecting and then some.

My main beef with this album...it sounds like a rapper trying to make what he thinks a rock album sounds like, and it comes across as corny and forced.  As much as Wayne tried to convince everyone he was for real, by supposedly learning how to play guitar (and being really shitty at it), it just fails.  He may enjoy rock music, as do I, but that don't mean you're gonna be good at it just because you can rap.  The album mainly consists of his cat-in-a-blender sounding warbles and screams, all accentuated OF COURSE with Auto-Tune.  Someone shoulda told this fuckhead the only time a robot voice is acceptable in rock is in Peter Frampton songs, "Mr. Roboto" and the introduction to "Livin' on a Prayer".  But nope, Wayne insists on using FUCKING AUTO TUNE for the whole course of the album.  The instrumentation and melodies aren't too terrible, no clue who played guitar and drums on here or if it was samples or what, but the music was tolerable.  Once Wayne opens his mouth, he ruins whatever goodwill this album could be building.

Posers will probably enjoy the drugged out anthem "Ground Zero" or perhaps the almost techno-rock like "Da Da Da" where Wayne seems to emulate the Eiffel 65 classic "Blue".  Eminem drops in for a forgettable cameo on "Drop the World" and easily murders Wayne on his own shit.  The Nicki Minaj assisted "Knockout" sounds like something either Avril Lavigne or the All-American Rejects left on the cutting room floor, bringing the embarrassment to amazing new highs.  Wayne gets ultra-gay by remaking "She's On Fire", the classic 80's tune that I THINK was in Scarface but don't quote me on it.  It just seems like Wayne took a whole bunch of shit and threw it at the wall to see what stuck.  A little bit of pop-punk, some new wave-ish shit, some emo sounds, a little bit of old school punk and bam! There's your album.  Problem is, he tries to wear alot of hats and none of them fit.

"But c'mon, Mike, it can't be that bad, can it?"  Sadly yes, but I gotta give credit where it's due.  I enjoyed the lead single "Prom Queen" for its catchy melody.  "Runnin" was also a refreshing bit of real emotion in a sea of robotic voices, constipated whining passed off as singing and cookie-cutter emo-rock guitars.  Other than that, I wouldn't even use this as a coaster; my Cherry Pepsi deserves better.   A God-awful album, but wait...there's more!!!

God, look at that picture.  Looks like a retard version of Fat Albert's Junkyard Gang.  Well there they are (minus Nicki Minaj and a couple of the other hanger's on), Young Money.  Young Money is Wayne's group of rap misfits who, honestly, will probably never release solo albums for fear of eclipsing Wayne's own spotlight.  I mean, look, wasn't Drake supposed to be the next big thing?  His buzz has come and gone and his solo has no release date in sight.  Their debut album, We are Young Money is a collection of obnoxious, hyper-sexual baller rap that is hollow, forgettable and, wait for it....OVERUSES AUTO-TUNE.  The minute I heard Jae Millz use it, I gave up for good.

Basically Young Money is a group of no talent hacks (aside from Jae Millz) who seem to really enjoy having sex.  I mean let's see:  "Every Girl", "Bedrock", "Play in My Band", "Mrs. Parker", "Wifebeater", "Girl I Got You" (which sounds like it should be a '90's R&B beat)..yep every one of those songs is about fuckin' girls.  Which is all good, but gets tiresome.  Especially the fact that they had the nerve to build a whole damn song around a Chris Tucker line from Friday ("Mrs. Parker").  But yeh, I get it...they get alot of pussy.  Supposedly.  We all know Baby and Wayne are secretly together.

"Streets is Watchin'" features a pretty bad David Banner beat, which is shocking...but the hook features a dated reference to Ma$e that'll just leave you scratching your head.  And Nicki Minaj?  Whats the hype?? A sample lyric:  "Been hot ever since Hedgehog/ Sonic The/ Now can you please pass the keys to the Tonica/ I mean the Tonka"...totally mispronouncing Tonka just to force a rhyme?  And she raps in that same irritating, over-enunciating style that Lil Wayne and Drake do, so now it's three times as bad.

The aforementioned "Bedrock" is kiiinda catchy in the way that, if I heard it at the club, I'd enjoy it.  The beat is slick, and Lloyd is dope on the chorus, but seriously: a "Flintstones"/bed-rock reference?  1990 called....
Lil Wayne's two pedophile signings, Lil Twist and Chuckee, show up on the aptly named "Finale", and their inclusion in the group are as boggling as Nicki Minaj is annoying.  Seriously, I wanna punch her in the throat every time she speaks...she is a glorified groupie with a microphone, sit the fuck  down hoe, do something original!!

Rounding out the group are the soundalikes Gudda Gudda and Mack Maine, two useless generic emcees who contribute nothing noteworthy.  Tyga also suffers from the annoying voice/flow syndrome that his compadres have, so I refuse to pay attention to him.  Drake, well, we've discussed him at length already.  He's a piece of trash, undeserving spoiled rich kid posturing alongside Wayne like he somebody.  Please go back to Degrassi, I actually didn't mind you then.  And Jae Millz...damn, Jae Millz.  WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?  You were running your own thing, Most Hated.  You were holding down Harlem.  But you sold your soul to the fucking Gremlin, son.  And for that, you will never be forgiven.  Please, jump ship while you can, you KNOW you ain't gonna get to put out a solo.  Get on your grind again, fuck Wayne and Young Money, Jae Millz, you are a STAR, now go be one and escape this nonsense.

I guess I gotta say something good about this album...I dunno, I liked the song with Gucci Mane ("Steady Mobbin'") and some of the beats were alright.  But this is the weakest collection of emcees I've ever seen.  If you are a fan of mindless, soulless formula hip-hop, then this is for you.  If you have any respect for the genre of hip-hop music or any taste in music at all, you will shit on this CD and feel your heart break just a little bit.  Fuck Drake...fuck Nicki Minaj...fuck Lil Wayne...fuck both of these albums.  Good night.

RATING:  Rebirth:  1 star out of 4;  We are Young Money 1 star out of 4

Hip-Hop 101: The History of Z-Ro

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My Two Cents About Tiger Woods

Well, everyone else in the universe has already said something about it, so why can't I?  I figured I would wait until all (or at least the majority) of the damaging evidence has come in before I weighed in on the matter.  Little did I know it has been like an absolute deluge of trashy white broads just flooding the tabloids with sordid details of their trysts with Tiger.  The mistress tally is at 10 right now, but come on, I'm sure there's probably more than that.  If you couldn't stop at one or two, no way you're gonna stop at 10. 

The main thing that has stuck out in my mind, if you read the text messagaes Tiger shared with one of his hoes, Jamie Grubbs, you'll see he is a very awkward and insecure man when it comes to the ladies.  Always asking about other men, downplaying himself, and just chock-full of the corniest pick-up lines/dirty talk I have ever witnessed.  You could tell that before all the money and the fame, the dude didn't exactly have ladies throwing themselves at him.  He always came across as a nerd, and it's obviously the case.  Except now he's a billionaire nerd, the best golfer in the world, and bitches wanna have sex with him.  And yeah, he'll really "wear them out".  I swear if I ever used that line on a broad, I would get laughed at and ignored--trust me, I know.  But this is Tiger fuckin' Woods, and he has enough money to buy and sell these women's families three times over, so he can be as awkward as he wants and at the end of the day, could bag more chicks in a day than I could in a year or two.

Now the next question: does this excuse his behavior? Absolutely not, but look at it from his perspective.  He obviously has a sex addiction, that's number one.  There's no other explaination for this kind of erratic, dangerous behavior.  He's an intelligent, well-spoken, well-mannered dude...a rational human being wouldn't engage in the self-destructive behavior he has.  Tiger Woods obviously has a sex addiction, and needs help for it.  So don't automatically call him a sleaze bag and an asshole; he's got issues, just like we all do.  He ain't perfect.

Secondly, imagine being a billionaire by the time you are in your late twenties.  Imagine having a smoking hot wife, cars, homes, anything and everything you ever wanted.  On top of that, you are also the best golfer in the world.  You need something to excite you, to pique your interest.  So you start banging trashy sluts.  It's the natural progression.  Like in Funny People, when Seth Rogen joked that he bets Will Smith, David Beckham and Tom Cruise all smushed the tips of their dicks together just outta sheer boredom, imagine Tiger Woods reaching similar levels of boredom.  When you have everything, you need to take things to extremes to get excitement.  Once again, not excusing his behavior, but at least you can somewhat rationalize it. 

What it boils down to, what every talking head has been saying, is that he should have never gotten married.  I agree, but...once again, easier said than done.  Yeah, he should've never gotten married.  Maybe he should have never just gotten really good at golf and made a shit load of money, because then he would just be another average joe, and this would have never happened.  Everyone can sit here and point fingers, but at the end of the day, it's a guy, with a problem, who made a mistake.  A YOUNG, RICH, guy who has been used to getting whatever he wants, a guy who frankly has EARNED whatever he wants, overstepping his boundaries.  Is it right? No.  But come down off your pedestals and stop judging the man.  He's a human fucking being just like you.  And frankly, these mistresses, who had NO PROBLEM sleeping around with a married man, and probably enjoying the fruits of Tiger's labors, who are now coming out of the woodwork trashing the man, and complaining of broken hearts, they are the real villains here.  Manipulative little tramps...if you are so above it, you coulda rebuffed his advances.  Instead, they come across as the greedy skanks they are.

Keep ya head up, Tiger.  You made a mistake, you gonna get help for it, and you gonna emerge a better man and win a shitload more tournaments, make a boatload of more cash, and get tons more women. 

Tiger Woods:  he's a human, just like you and I.  So until you can say you lived a perfect life, I would suggest you stop throwing stones.

Cine-Whack: The Worst of the Worst in Films for 2009

I figured it would be more fun to absolute roast all the shittiest films of the year instead of ranking the best of the best and yadda, yadda, yadda.  It's so much more fun to just skewer stuff than to praise it, am I wrong?  So...where to begin?  Why not with the king of the movie scrap heap, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. 

Never in my life have I dozed off (MULTIPLE times) in a movie as loud and obnoxious as this.  With it's marathon 2.5 hour running time, you'd think the producers would do a better job of keeping me entertained.  Failure on all counts.  Where to begin? The atrocious acting by Shia LeBouf (most overrated actor working today) was irritating beyond belief.  He knows two emotions: frantic and paranoid and plays both of them to the hilt.  You have Megan Fox, a vapid bimbo with no acting skills.  Her sole purpose is slow-mo shots of her breasts gracefully bouncing as she runs.  No complaints there, but she is a horrible person in real life which kinda lowers her hotness in my book. On top of that, you have racial stereotypes robots who exist to the amusement of who?  Ten year olds? Maybe?  Michael Bay piles so much shit into this movie and expects you to just take it.  The lightning quick editing, loud explosions, and transforming robots might amuse dimwitted geeks but did nothing for me.  And what was up with the final battle?  How shitty and anti-climactic can you get?  P.S.--robots humping people or eachother is not funny the first time, nor is it funny the hundredth.

  Bruno.  Talk about a huge letdown.  I been a fan of Sascha Baron Cohen for a hot minute, probably since '05 when my boy Tone put me up on Da Ali G Show.  When I heard they were making a Borat movie, I was super psyched and it was one of the best comedies of that year, probably of the decade.  Well, Cohen decided to take another one of his alter-egos, the flamboyantly gay fashion designer Bruno, and try to capture lightening in a bottle.  Ultimately, it was a total failure.  While the movie had it's laughs, I have no desire to see it again.  It lacked that spontaneous quality that Borat had, and majority of the movie seemed staged.  Also, Borat was a character that was easy to fool people, because he was such a moron, that people felt bad for him and were suckered in.  Bruno is not like that.  He's not likable.  Cohen has to basically force himself on people to get any kind of reaction, and it just doesn't feel right.  The only really memorable scene was the cage fight sequence at the end, and I can't really get the energy up to sit through this again.  All comedic geniuses are allowed a misstep in their careers, and Bruno was Sascha Baron Cohen's.  Hopefully he will rebound with his next film, whatever it may be.

I have not actually seen New Moon in it's entirety, but I have seen portions of it, and read enough reviews, and saw the first film to vent all my frustrations upon the Twilight franchise, so let's begin, shall we?  I used to be a huge vampire fanatic.  I enjoyed reading Anne Rice novels, studying vampire folklore, real nerdy stuff to be sure.  Interview with the Vampire still is one of my all-time favorite flicks.  Then this Twilight shit hit and everyone and their brother, sister and mother is obsessed with vampires.  But Twilight has desecrated everything that makes vampires cool.  Instead of suave, debonair ladies men with a thirst for blood and the female flesh, a la Lestat or Bram Stoker's Dracula, we have this toothless emo bitch Edward Cullen.  His skin sparkles in the sunlight! He doesn't like to drink human blood! He's a pussy!!  The worst vampire in history...well, aside from that Queen of the Damned horse shit, God bless the dead, Aaliyah.  Then you got Kristen Stewart, who is a black hole of charisma and a total bitch.  You gotta wonder why Edward and "I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt" Jacob are even bothering fighting over her.  She ain't all that!  The books are supposedly an extended metaphor for chastity, abstinence, the whole nine yards.  I think it's a noble message to be sending to the young ladies who read the books.  But does it have to be done in such a shitty manner?  Stephanie Meyers herself is a hack; I've read the first book in the series and could not soldier on.  It's lowest-common-denominator literary trash, like a soap opera in book form.  But women dig that sorta thing, I'll never understand why. 

Why? That's the only question that comes to mind as to the continuation of the Saw franchise.  What began in part one as a pretty original and cool idea has degenerated into a cesspool of cinema.  Over the top gore, a storyline so confusing that I dare anyone, ANYONE to spell it out for me and just a general laziness on the part of the film makers make this franchise a sore subject for me.  But you same idiots keep going and watching each installment.  ARE YOU THAT STUPID?? ARE YOU THAT BIG OF SHEEP??  "Ohh gee I remember seeing one of the Saw movies, let's see this because it's familiar!"  Fucking idiots, I swear.  Stop following what everyone says is cool to do and START WATCHING GOOD MOVIES.  If not, this crap will never end.

The tagline for this shitbox of a movie is "We Were Warned".  For the love of Christ I wish someone would have warned me.  I liked this movie the first time I saw it, when it was called The Day After Tomorrow, also created by Roland Emmerich, who is right on Michael Bay's tail as the biggest numbskull working in Hollywood.  Does all this guy know how to make is apocalyptic movies with dental floss thin plots and cardboard acting??  I thank my stars I spent the majority of this film making out with the chick next to me and not watching it...because it was awful.  Chock full of stereotypical characters, emotional, gravitas filled speeches and cliche sequences, not to mention tons and tons of DEATH and DESTRUCTION.  This movie was like a kick to the balls and I feel cheated and robbed for paying money to see it.  FUCK YOU, Hollywood, stop making these movies.  Think of something original!
John Cusack, you shoulda known better, man.  You're a GOOD ACTOR.  Are you this desperate for a paycheck???  Danny Glover, I'm looking at you too, but your Uncle Tom ass sold out a loooong time ago, so I think hope might be lost for you.  Avoid this movie like AIDS.

Lastly, we come to this douchebag, Channing Tatum.  He's been cranking out the craptastic movies since Step-Up and in 2009, he disgraced us with not one, not two, but THREE awful performances.  This guy is the biggest meathead and undeserving of his fame.  But once again, women think he's hot, so he gets work.  I really wanna know how the female brain works.  Anyway, if you didn't see the movie Fighting you weren't missing much.  Take the premise of movies like Rocky, dumb it down for the MTV audience, throw in Terrence Howard embarassing himself as a (gay? Jewish? just very effeminate?) fight promoter and you have Fighting.  For the love of Pete, what a shitstorm.  The fight scenes are aiiiiight, if not farfetched, but really, it's not enough to save the movie.  And why does Tatum play a "wigger" like persona in every film he's in?  He's not believeable as a street tough.  He looks like John Cena's retarded brother.  Tatum also managed to show up in the atrocious GI Joe and the disappointing Public Enemies.  GI Joe at least I expected to be awful...but I feel just Tatum's mere presence onscreen ruined any hope Public Enemies had.  If there is a God, or at least any justice, Channing Tatum will die in a plane crash tomorrow.

That's my take...but here are the few bright spots of the year:

BEST MOVIES:  Funny People, Coraline, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, The Hangover, Adventureland, Zombieland, Where the Wild Things Are, The Orphan

BEST ACTOR:  Adam Sandler, Funny People

MOST SLEPT-ON MOVIE:  The Goods

BREAKOUT STAR:  Zach Galifianakis, The Hangover

BEST NUDE SCENE:  Jessica Biel, Powder Blue

BEST SEQUEL:  Crank 2

BEST LOOKING ACTRESS:  Isla Fisher in Confessions of a Shopaholic, Heather Graham in The Hangover

Feel free to add your thoughts, see ya next time!

2009: Year in Review for Music

I was originally gonna do a few top ten lists here and there, but I already did the album countdown and every other website does top ten lists so I wanted to switch things up and just offer up my opinions on the music industry as a whole, some of the best acts of the year, some bands I just discovered that you should know and so on and so forth.  How's THAT for a run on sentence?  Without further ado, let's get down to business. 

To begin the article, I want to give a proper R.I.P to the King of Pop, Michael Jackson.  His death and subsequent hoopla was easily the story of the year, and he left a mark and an impact on the industry (and world) that will never be duplicated.  Say what you want about the man, but to deny his musical genius would be a crime in itself.  We miss you, MJ.

2009 was the year that I dove head-first into the world of indie rock and never looked back.  Disenfranchised with what I was hearing on the radio, I discovered a whole new world of music to explore and my life has become better for it.  Bands like Phoenix and Grizzly Bear really came into their own this year, dropping critically acclaimed albums and developing a decent following the in the process.  Karen O of the Yeah Yeah Yeah's composed a HELLUVA soundtrack for the movie Where the Wild Things Are and if you have not heard it or are unfamiliar with the band, I suggest you get on both of those right NOW.

It was a tough decision, but probably my favorite indie album this year was Metric's Fantasies.  I would compare them to Rilo Kiley's latest works, except they are from Canada, not California.  Lead singer Emily Haines has a voice that just drips with sexuality, especially since most of the songs are about sex, which helps.  The album has a good balance of New Wave-y synths, 80's rock style guitars and catchy as hell choruses.  Songs to check out:  "Help I'm Alive"; "Gold Guns Girls";  "Gimme Sympathy"; "Sick Muse".

Switching gears to more mainstream rock-n-roll, and the landscape is much, much bleaker.  Radio bands like Nickelback, Three Days Grace, The Fray and others continue to pollute the airwaves with their dilluted rock.  "Acoustic douchebag" rock reached sickening levels this year as John Mayer released a new album, Battle Studies, the perfect soundtrack for horny teenage girls and cliche-sensitive dudes.  We also saw Jason Mraz's sickening song "I'm Yours" absolutely rule the radio.  Seriously, I would try to change stations but ultimately, could never escape it.  One Republic, who after releasing a promising debut album, faltered with their 2009 release Waking Up.  Ryan Tedder is a helluva songwriter, but apparently he gave out all his best shit to Beyonce, Kelly Clarkson and Jordan Sparks.  30 Seconds to Mars returned from a four year hiatus with the abysmal This Is War.  I was a huge fan of Jared Leto and company until they unleashed this pile of horse manure, a mixture of all the worst parts of U2 and Muse, diluted further with hints of Auto-Tune and a FUCKING KANYE WEST guest spot.  Go die somewhere, Jared Leto.

As far as major label rock, hands down my album of the year was Brand New's Daisy.  I am a disciple of the songs of Jesse Lacey and Vinnie Accardi and when I first this album, it was tough to swallow.  I thought their previous effort, The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me was their best, and this album took an even more moody and minimalistic approach.  After a few listens though, I was hooked and cannot stop listening.  Perfect mood music for those lonely nights with a beer and cigarette, reflections on spiritual and personal struggles, the whole nine yards, this album is beautiful.  Songs to check out: "Bed"; "At the Bottom"; "Noro"; "You Stole".



Finally we come to world of hip-hop, which has definitely seen better days.  This was the year that the dumber and more simplistic you were, the better chances of becoming a mega star you had.  You had moronic hit singles like Dorrough's "Ice Cream Paint Job", Plies "Becky", OJ Da Juiceman "Make the Trap Say", Soulja Boy "Kiss You Thru Da Phone", and the list goes on and on.  We also saw the rise of terry-cloth soft "rapper" Drake who somehow built a huge buzz by offering nothing worthwhile.  A bunch of ignorant southern rappers are off to jail, with Lil Boosie, Lil Wayne and Gucci Mane all behind bars for the forseeable future (thank God).  2009 was the year that Shyne came home, but whether he returns to rapping is yet to be seen.  Ma$e also made a spirited comeback, but we will see where it leads to...

Narrowing down my favorite rap album of the year was a tough call.  You had Cam'ron return from a lengthy hiatus, but while Crime Pays was a solid outing, it was largely forgettable when compared to recent works.  Clipse just BARELY lived up to expectations with Til the Casket Drops, and while it is in heavy rotation for me at the moment, is not on par with their previous works.  Eminem returned to form with Relapse, but the album kinda of blended together for me and was also quite forgettable. Raekwon brought the thunder with his long awaited Cuban Linx sequel, but as always, sequels are never as good as the originals.  So who had the best rap album of 2009?

JOE FUCKIN' BUDDEN.  While the Slaughterhouse album with his homies Royce, Joell, and Crooked I was up there, there was no more complete album in ANY genre for me this year than this one.  A portrait of a mentally troubled man coming to grips with the loss of fame, drug addictions and just life's fuckery in general, Joey spits like a man possessed and at the end of his rope and bleeds raw emotion like it's nobody's business.  Better than Blueprint 3, better than Man on the Moon, Joe Budden continues to be the most slept on MC going today.  Get ya head out your ass and buy this album NOW.  Songs to check for: "Good Enough"; "State of You";  "We Outta Here"; "Anti"; "Clothes on a Mannequin"


Despite all the bullshit, I gotta say 2009 was a great year for music.  Sales might be down, but for every Drake or Nicki Minaj, artists like Lady Gaga and Wale have emerged to give me hope that talent will conquer all.  If not, there's always the underground....just as a music fan, I challenge all of you to buck the status quo and dig a little deeper for music.  There's so much good shit out there, but between radio and MTV, you don't get to hear it all.  Challenge yourself a little bit, because life is so much better with the gift of great music.  Be easy yall....

ARTIST OF THE YEAR:  Michael Jackson
ALBUM OF THE YEAR: Escape Route by Joe Budden
BREAKOUT STAR OF THE YEAR: Lady Gaga
WORST ARTIST OF THE YEAR:  Drake
BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT:  New Again by Taking Sunday or Elipse by Imogen Heap (tie)
SURPRISE OF THE YEAR:  Strong sales for the under-promoted albums of Jadakiss and Raekwon
FLOP OF THE YEAR: Before I Self-Destruct by 50 Cent

"Funny People" DVD Review

Funny People was, for me, the most highly anticipated film of 2009.  While most were salivating for the latest round of vampire action or the further exploits of giant fighting robots, I was intrigued by the pairing of Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen with Judd Apatow in the director's chair.  The result is an astounding motion picture, albeit one that left a lot of people scratching their heads and disappointed.

Sandler plays George Simmons, a mega movie star and comedian who has everything in the world, but is ultimately unhappy with his legacy of crappy films and lonely existence.  When he finds out he is dying of a rare blood disease, he sets out to recapture parts of his life that will make him happy and give him closure.  After a depressing and dark stand-up performance at a local improv, Simmons comes across struggling comedian Ira Wright (played expertly by Seth Rogen).  George sees potential in Ira and hires him as his assistant/joke writer/opening act and brings him into his world.  Ira gets to see the dark side of George, a man he grew up idolizing and he is the only one who George confides in about his illness. 

Ultimately, this leads to George reuniting with "the one who got away", the love of his life Laura (Apatow's wife Leslie Mann in another solid performance).  She is now married with two kids to an Australian businessman named Clarke (hilariously portrayed by Eric Bana), who also has not been faithful to her.  Sparks begin to fly during George and Laura's reunion, so George and Ira travel to Laura's house to spend a weekend after a comedy show.  To their surprise, Clarke returns early from a business trip, creating an awkward situation that leaves George wanting Laura to choose between them, and will ultimately result in everyone's lives changing for good.

That's a just brief synopsis of a great movie that has so much going on, but manages to balance it all perfectly.  Adam Sandler delivers his best performance, even better than Punch-Drunk Love.  He brings a sense of real emotion to the character of George, as basically it seems to play as an extension of his real self.  The entire movie carries a feeling of reality to it, as it's in an essence a bunch of real friends going through life events.  There are emotional moments, but nothing contrived; there are no happy, perfect endings.  Every character is flawed and human, and the events unfold as they likely would in reality, which was such a breath of fresh air from your standard Hollywood fare.

Most people didn't like this movie because it was not what they were expecting.  People complained that it wasn't a typical Sandler movie, nor was it a typical Rogen/Apatow film, a la Knocked Up or Superbad.  In the end, what you end up with is a serious character drama sprinkled with the humor of the aforementioned people and it works well if you can handle it.  Some people cannot, and thus complained that this movie was too unconventional and hard to get into.  I find that extremely surprising, as I have now seen this movie six times, and I remain as engrossed with it as I did the first time.  I'm just fascinated with the story, the emotional response it elicits from me is unlike any I have really got out of a movie in a long time. 

Another gripe people had was none of the characters were likable.  That's true, because, in essence, they are human, and not perfect.  Usually in a movie you have a clear cut hero, an antagonist, a love interest, and somehow everything is tied together perfectly.  Sandler is supposed to be the central character, and we are supposed to sympathize with him, but really George Simmons is a terrible person.  Selfish and bitter, he uses his disease to manipulate the lives of others, and even when he gets better, still tries to use it to his advantage.  Every character in this movie has their good side and bad side, and the movie isn't afraid to show it.

I would be remiss to not mention the supporting cast.  Jonah Hill and Jason Schwartzmann play Ira's buddies Leo and Mark.  Jonah is his usual clever, raunchy self and really brings his a-game here as the rising stand-up comic Leo.  Schwartzmann just oozes douche-baggery as Mark, the self-absorbed womanizing star of the crappy sitcom "Yo Teach".  Leo and Mark are the two consistently funny characters in the film and provide comic relief whenever onscreen.  Jason Schwartzmann has been kind of an unsung comedic actor for awhile, and hopefully this leads to him getting more mainstream work.  He also composed the awesome score for this movie, with it's low-key acoustic guitars setting the tone of the film perfectly.

Funny People is a triumph on every level.  It will definitely make you laugh, maybe make you cry and put a lot of things in life in different perspectives.  It sheds light on living your life to the fullest at all times and has good lessons on love and knowing when to let things go.  If you want a movie with a great story, real emotion and relatable (if not likable) characters, please watch this movie.  Maybe it will become as big a part of your life as it has mine.  One of the best films of 2009.

RATING: 4 out of 4 stars

Album Review: Clipse, "Til The Casket Drops"

Arguably one of hip-hop's greatest duos of all-time, Clipse return with their long delayed (big surprise) third full-length album, Til the Casket Drops.  Malice and Pusha T shift somewhat from their standard cocaine rap and try to broaden their horizons a bit on this album, and the results are better than I expected after hearing they were going for a more radio friendly sound.

For the uninitiated, Clipse got their big break in 2002 with the megahit, "Grindin'".  It was something totally different for the time, and being signed with Pharrell Williams of the Neptunes (the industry's golden child at the time) was the best thing they could ask for.  Their debut album Lord Willin' spawned several hits and ultimately went gold.  Anxious to follow up, Clipse went right to work on album number two, entitled Hell Hath No Fury.  All would not end well though as major label drama caused them to be put on the shelf indefinitely, and by the time Hell Hath No Fury finally saw the light of day in late 2006, they had been overtaken in the market place by other rap hustlers like Young Jeezy.  The dope-boy swagger style that Clipse pioneered set off a trend in the industry and had everyone from Lil Wayne to Gucci Mane copping to it.  Because of this, Clipse became almost forgotten and HHNF saw diminished sales, even though it was one of the best albums of the decade--period.

Never ones to be deterred, Clipse took the mixtape game by storm with their Re-Up Gang homies Ab-Liva and Sandman and got their buzz back, releasing the classic We Got it For Cheap series.  This lead to them signing a joint venture with Columbia Records and brings us to now, with their latest opus, Til the Casket Drops.

Right off the bat, you can tell we are dealing with an older and wiser Clipse.  While Pusha T maintains his braggadocious and cocky demeanor, older brother Malice speaks almost like a wisened elder, telling cautionary tales and uplifting messages inspired by his vague apparent religious awakening.  Don't get me wrong, the drug and baller talk is still there, but it seems to me that Clipse have been through some shit in the last few years and instead are trying to bring a new perspective.  And I don't really blame them, after so many imitators ran their style into the ground, it's probably best to switch things up.  Lyrically and flow-wise, they are sharp as ever, with Malice really stepping up and mostly overshadowing Pusha for the majority of the LP.  Everyone is clamoring for that Pusha T solo album, but after listening to this album, I've become more of a fan of Malice.

Now on to the actual music itself.  The album starts with the epic "Freedom", with Pusha and Malice triumphantly announcing their return and decrying the fake emcees who have occupied the spots they feel belong to them.  A great way to kick off the proceedings, and it's followed by the street banger "Popular Demand (Popeye's)", featuring Cam'ron and Pharrell.  It's pure, unadulterated east coast hip-hop, with a pimped out Neptunes beat to make the whole thing official.  The video is currently on MTV2 all the time, so hopefully it's blowing up more than I realize, since I avoid radio and MTV like the plague.

Yo Gotti shows up on the down south/dope boy track "Showin' Out".  It's a decent club joint, but feels almost forced to be honest with you.  It'll knock in the whip thanks to it's fat bassline, but I feel like Clipse are pandering to a lower denominator on this track.  They were always known as the thinking man's hustler/rappers, and by trying to dumb it down with Yo Gotti, it's like they are reaching for the audience that they despise.

The first two singles, "Kinda Like a Big Deal" featuring Kanye West and "I'm Good" featuring Pharrell are classic Clipse.  The former has them getting lyrical and boasting alongside the douchebag Kanye over a knocking beat, and the latter is a laidback summer time anthem for the hustlers out there.  Try not to roll the windows down and just vibe when "I'm Good" comes on in the car, I dare you.  It's beautiful music.

Clipse don't slowdown for a minute on this album.  The ominous, reggae-tinged banger "There Was a Murder" has Pusha adopting a faux patois and believe it or not, he pulls it off.  If you haven't heard the sure-fire party starter "Doorman" yet, I don't know what rock you have been living under.  Neptunes provide another crazy backdrop and the boasting and drug dealing reaches it's zenith on this track, almost to self-incriminating levels.  Here, check it out for yourself:



There are two really obvious reaches for radio play which, while good songs, just ring hollow to me because I can tell it's not what Clipse really wanted to do.  The songs in question are "Eyes on Me" with Keri Hilson and "Counseling".  While both really good and catchy, they just come across forced.  Not like I skip 'em when they come on, just...look, if you're a diehard Clipse fan like myself, you'll get what I mean when you hear it.

The album closes with two introspective tracks, "Footsteps" and "Life Change".  It really shows a side of the Clipse you don't always see, humble and reflective.  Malice especially steals the show on "Life Change", describing how bad personal choices and industry woes have shaped him into the wise man he is today.

After two classic albums, it would be hard for any group to pull a three-peat, and I gotta say, Clipse damn near did it.  Every song on the album is GOOD, and many are GREAT, and there are about four or five absolute CLASSICS.  The main reason I can't in good conscience give this album a perfect score is because of the obvious reaches for mainstream appeal.  While I can UNDERSTAND why they did it, part of it just doesn't sit right with me.  If you can look past that though, this album is fire from start to finish, up there with Blueprint 3, Cuban Linx II and Man in the Moon as the best hip-hop albums of the year.   Do yourself a favor and support real music, as Clipse are BACK, and this time, hopefully, to stay.

RATING:  3.5/4