"The Karate Kid" Remake: WAX OFF!

I heard rumors of this bubbling for a long time, but I had no idea that it was right on the horizon.  A remake of the 1984 classic The Karate Kid, this time starring Will Smith's son Jaden in the Ralph Macchio role and Jackie FREAKIN' Chan stepping into the giant shoes left behind by Pat Morita, God bless the dead.  I cannot fathom for the life of me who thought this was a good idea.  The Karate Kid is an iconic movie.  Not Oscar caliber, but it's a landmark movie, filled with so many memorable scenes, lines and characters.  The chemistry between Daniel-san and Mr. Miyagi could never be duplicated.  The training sequences, the crane kick, the COBRA KAI, "Get him a bodybag!", "Sweep the leg", "NO MERCY!", etc.  These things do not deserve to be fucked with, and should be preserved.

Now, after watching the first trailer for the updated Karate Kid, it looks mildly entertaining.  I think kids of this generation will enjoy it.  But I have a several gripes.  First off, the kids in the movie are too young.  Ralph Macchio as the teenage Daniel was perfect.  The romance angle was right, and it seemed logical that Miyagi would beat up a bunch of teenage Cobra Kai members when he originally saves Daniel's ass.  In this new trailer, when you see Jackie Chan mop the floor with a bunch of nine years olds, it's not cool or dramatic.  It's like, "Yeah, I would hope Jackie Chan could beat up the Asian cast of 'Barney'".  Plus seeing a bunch of pre-teen kids beat the shit out of eachother just doesn't sit right with me. 

I also could've done without the shitty Ft. Minor music used in the trailer.  If this is a sign of things to come, count me out.  If you're gonna rape the legacy of one of my favorite films, YOU BETTER use Bill Conti's epic score and perhaps an updated version of "You're The Best Around" but whatever teeny bopper band is hot these days.  All Time Low or Paramore or some shit...I would be cool with that.  But shitty ass Linkin Park's off-shoot jerkoff band?  I'll pass. 

I don't know, I just don't like the looks of this.  It's ruining the legacy of Karate Kid.  Without Pat Morita, or Ralph Machio, or Martin Krove as JOHN FUCKIN' KREESE, it's the same.  Hell, you need WILLIAM ZABKA to reprise his role as JOHNNY LAWRENCE.  And I'm sorry, no piece of ass was hotter than Elisabeth Shue in the 1980's.  NOBODY.  So on that note, I am a bit disgruntled and bitter about all this.  But don't take my word for it, watch the trailer yourself.

Requiem for a Dream: My Thoughts on Tragedies in Hollywood

As I sit here this evening, with the news of another young entertainer dead from questionable means, I feel that now is finally the time to say something.  Brittany Murphy was only 32 years old, and she was found dead in the shower of a cardiac arrest.  A beautiful, talented young lady, who appeared to be in good health, does not just drop dead of a heart attack at 32 years old.  They said she had a history of diabetes, which can cause stroke or heart attack.   Others are speculating drugs, or a heart attack caused by anorexia, as it was apparently known she was fighting the eating disorder.  My take? It was unfortunately a likely combination of all the above.  But I don't want to speculate, even though the writing seems to be on the wall.  I enjoyed Brittany's work, but I am not gonna lie and say I was a huge fan.  But she was a fine actress, very entertaining.  I'd take her over a Megan Fox or Kristen Stewart any day of the week.  But damn...

I get to thinking about what it must be like to be famous.  To be in that fishbowl, of constant even scrutiny.  Whether you are a superstar like Tom Cruise or Will Smith, all the way down to douchebags like Jon Gosselin or Kourtney Kardashian's baby daddy, the papparazzi and media are watching.  Scrutinizing.  Waiting, watching, for anything to tear you down.  Sometimes it's their own doing...fuck, look what happened to Tiger Woods.  But now due to the insatiable hunger for gossip and dirt, a situation that should have been personal and handled behind closed doors has tore Tiger Woods from his pedestal and smashed him to pieces.  This is the world we live in: build people up, tear them down.  Judge them.  Worship them.  The piss on their ashes when the fire swallows them whole.  We are a sick, twisted species that revels in the misery of others, and thrives in the selfishness of our own behaviors.

Seems as if the ghosts of Heath Ledger, River Phoenix, Chris Farley or Kurt Cobain don't hang over the heads of much of Hollywood, or the world for that matter.  We glorify trainwrecks like Lindsay Lohan and Amy Winehouse, snickering and pointing fingers as their lives fly off the tracks.  Instead of ignoring, and wishing they get help, we laugh at the sideshow.  Brittany Murphy, for whatever reason, seemed to be under the pressure of the Hollywood machine.  Whether it was drugs, or the rumored anorexia, the pressure the entertainment biz puts on women to look a certain way, and the standard of beauty the world as a whole uses, she didn't have a fucking chance.  You got murderers and rapists roaming the streets, we have people in poverty and babies dying of AIDS, yet, all we as a society seem to focus on is who's in the tabloids, who's nipple slipped out, who forgot to wear panties, who's fucking who, and which actor is on a coke binge this week. 

Fame must be a lonely place.  Long seperated from your real friends, surrounded by lackeys and yes-men, all after a piece of your spotlight or the loose change in your pocket.  The loneliness and shallowness of it all could probably swallow you whole.  It's no wonder these stars turn to drugs or alcohol and piss their lives away.  As a recovering addict myself, all those things do is amplify the pain and suffering even more, except it just makes it harder for you to see it.  I don't know for sure what did Brittany Murphy in, but I hope now she is finally free from this shallow, disgusting world we live in.  Anything is better than here.

The players may be different, but the story remains the same, the ending never changes.  Instead of wondering what we can do to change...all we are gonna wonder is who's next?  And that's a crying shame.

R.I.P Brittany Murphy

My Quick Thoughts On "AVATAR"

Call it laziness, call it whatever you want, but I don't really feel sitting here and hasing out an uber-long review of "AVATAR", because really, it doesn't take too long to explain what this flick is all about.  Here's the skinny:

It's the year 2145 (or something close to it), and Earth is in the shitter.  We've run out of oil, so we have sent the military, some scientists and corporate types to the planet of Pandora to mine for a rare and valuable mineral called "unobtanium" (yes, don't laugh, that's really what it's called).

Unsurprisingly, the natives, known as the Na'vi (a blue skinned race of catlike people with tails who stand about 10 feet tall) aren't too keen on the idea of their planet being pillaged.  So the Earth scientists devise the "Avatar" program, which splices the DNA of humans with that of Na'vi to create their own Na'vi who are controlled mentally by their human counterparts.  It's a strange thing to explain, but trust me, it's all very simple on the big screen.  They use these Avatars to gain the natives trust and hopefully run them off their land, the center of which is a massive tree sitting a top a bumper crop of unobtanium.

The hero of the movie is Jake Sully, played well enough by Sam Worthingon.  Sully is a parapelegic Marine who gets a second chance to be a hero by living vicariously through his Avatar.  He is enlisted by cliche hard-ass grizzled army Colnel Quaritch, played awesomely over-the-top by Stephen Lang.  Quaritch uses Sully to infiltrate the Na'vi to learn their secrets so he can ultimately turn on them...but as you can guess, Sully ends up falling in love with a hot Na'vi babe named Neytiri (played by Zoe Saldana, but we never see her in human form, so I don't know if she really is attractive).  Sully ingratiates himself, becomes accepted by the tribe, and it turns out he has a pure heart, and the harmonious nature of the planet is drawn to him.  This doesn't sit well with Quaritch, who decides to hell with diplomacy and launches a full scale war.  Sully has to regain the Na'vi's trust and help them defeat the powerful US military before their planet is destroyed forever.

Alright so that's the plot in a nutshell...now was it any good?  Yes and no.  James Cameron has been tinkering with this idea for close to 15 years and it's finally paid off.  Visually, this movie will blow your mind with all the black light enhanced visuals, lush scenery, and awesomely rendered characters.  The 3D aspect was as good as any I've ever seen in theaters.  It totally immerses you and you feel like you are right there in the jungles, soaring through the skies on the bad ass dragon-like creatures or fighting on the front lines.  Amazing, action packed and engrossing, so much so that the 2.5 hours flew by.

But while it's pretty to look at, the movie is very derivative.  I caught flashbacks from everything from Return of the Jedi to Dancing with Wolves.  The dialogue was especially cheese-tastic, but kudos to Stephen Lang for his scenery chomping portrayl of Quaritch, and Giovanni Ribisi kills as the weasely executive in charge of the whole operation.  But unoriginality aside, this movie brought me back to how I felt as a youngster at the movies.  Full of action, but also an entertaining story and some true heart.  As cookie cutter as the characters are, you do care about them, and in the end it's one helluva way to waste to the afternoon.  And oh yeah, it was cool to see Sigourney Weaver reuniting with James Cameron so many years after Aliens, for all you sci-fi geeks out there.

Long story short, if you are gonna see this movie, do see in at least 3D and if at all possible, IMAX.  Anything else you are wasting your time because it's the spellbinding visuals that keep you sucked in despite the movie's shortcomings.  A really cool movie, moreso like an amusement park ride than a movie actually, that I guarantee you'll have a great time.

RATING: 2.5 out 4

Spotlight on: BANGS, Sudan's Crown Prince of Hip-Hop

Every once in awhile, a lightning bolt of pure, unadulterated talent will strike when you least expect it, setting ablaze the dry and barren musical landscape and capturing the hearts of the world.  Ladies and gents, it has happened again with the emergence of BANGS, a native of Sudan, Africa who currently resides in Australia.  Not much is known of this musical enigma, but he has become somewhat of an overnight sensation after his hit single, "Take U 2 Da Movies" has taken YouTube by storm with almost 1.5 million views.  Before we dig into the real grit of this article, I might as show you the video so you have a taste of what BANGS is all about.  Here's "Take U 2 Da Movies":



 How can you possibly deny the catchiness and charm of that song?  A consummate gentleman, BANGS is not interested in doing the "horizontal foxtrot" with the ladies; he simply wants to show them a good time, by buying them popcorn, soda and enjoying a movie.  If they so incline, they can "lay on his chest, take a rest, and do your best, baby girl".  Not since "Wanksta" or "In Da Club" has an artist emerged and smashed the rap game with such a powerful impact. 

BANGS doesn't forget where he came from either.  He managed to escape the poverty and hunger ravaged country of Sudan to seek refuge in Egypt.  After some time there, he came to Australia.  As he says in his song "I'm Goin' 2 Da Ghetto", "In Sudan, my life was same.  In Egypt, my life was same.  In Australia, I thought it would be same, but everything change".  Through his thick accent, which sounds like a mixture of French, Russian and Arnold Schwarzenegger, you can feel the pain BANGS projects on heartfelt tracks such as this, "My Life is Hard":



Aside from stressing the hardships of life in ghetto, BANGS really tries to uplift the youth with messages such as "You just gotta try hard, so you can move on" and "Fighting with your friends is what makes the life go hard".  He also has a soft spot for the ladies, as he states "You know your man is going through hard time.  I just don't want to see with another man, because it would make me feel, you know, kind of messed up".  Here's the song in question, "Can U Come Back":





Everything is not all peaches and cream in BANGS world, because there "is still too much troubles in my mind".  For a man of the cusp of superstardom, the pain he feels is palpable and saddening.  He wants to "live life and have good time, but I don't know where to go and feel better".  It's a problem we all face, and BANGS relates in perfectly on the heartwrenching anthem "Ain't Feelin' So Right":



BANGS is a musical genius who is about to take over the rap game.  Today, Sudan and Australia.  Tomorrow, the world.  Get familiar with BANGS by visiting his website, www.bangs8.com.  You will not regret taking the time to examine this fresh new talent, and I am excited to see what BANGS does next, as he himself even says, "I can't to see my future everyday, ya know what I mean?"

BANG, BANG, BANGS!!

Album Review: Lil Wayne "Rebirth" / Young Money "We Are Young Money"

Where to begin?  My hatred for all things Weezy related is a long story, truth be told.  Used to be a big supporter of Lil Wayne.  Waaay back when, when he was makin' you "drop it like it's hot", warning you that "the block was hot", urging you to "get off the corner", songs like "Loud Pipes", "Everything", "Shine".  Hell, the first two Carter albums weren't too shabby either.  Yet somewhere along the line, maybe it was after stealing his image from the Clipse, pretending to be a Blood and turning into a martian relying WAAAAY too heavily on Auto-Tune.  Maybe it was when instead of dropping raw streets anthems with Juelz Santana, he started pandering to the MTV groupies and teenage girls with bullshit songs like "Lollipop" and signing the biggest waste of hype and space in hip-hop history, Drake..aka "Wheelchair Jimmy".  If you have a penis and enjoy Drake's music, please kill yourself.  So needless to say, when I heard Wayne was coming with a rock album, I knew it was gonna be the nail in the coffin.  The album has been pushed back all the way to next February, but the kind folks at Amazon fucked up and released it early, so now it's available all over the internet.  I got my hands on Rebirth and all I can say it is as bad you were expecting and then some.

My main beef with this album...it sounds like a rapper trying to make what he thinks a rock album sounds like, and it comes across as corny and forced.  As much as Wayne tried to convince everyone he was for real, by supposedly learning how to play guitar (and being really shitty at it), it just fails.  He may enjoy rock music, as do I, but that don't mean you're gonna be good at it just because you can rap.  The album mainly consists of his cat-in-a-blender sounding warbles and screams, all accentuated OF COURSE with Auto-Tune.  Someone shoulda told this fuckhead the only time a robot voice is acceptable in rock is in Peter Frampton songs, "Mr. Roboto" and the introduction to "Livin' on a Prayer".  But nope, Wayne insists on using FUCKING AUTO TUNE for the whole course of the album.  The instrumentation and melodies aren't too terrible, no clue who played guitar and drums on here or if it was samples or what, but the music was tolerable.  Once Wayne opens his mouth, he ruins whatever goodwill this album could be building.

Posers will probably enjoy the drugged out anthem "Ground Zero" or perhaps the almost techno-rock like "Da Da Da" where Wayne seems to emulate the Eiffel 65 classic "Blue".  Eminem drops in for a forgettable cameo on "Drop the World" and easily murders Wayne on his own shit.  The Nicki Minaj assisted "Knockout" sounds like something either Avril Lavigne or the All-American Rejects left on the cutting room floor, bringing the embarrassment to amazing new highs.  Wayne gets ultra-gay by remaking "She's On Fire", the classic 80's tune that I THINK was in Scarface but don't quote me on it.  It just seems like Wayne took a whole bunch of shit and threw it at the wall to see what stuck.  A little bit of pop-punk, some new wave-ish shit, some emo sounds, a little bit of old school punk and bam! There's your album.  Problem is, he tries to wear alot of hats and none of them fit.

"But c'mon, Mike, it can't be that bad, can it?"  Sadly yes, but I gotta give credit where it's due.  I enjoyed the lead single "Prom Queen" for its catchy melody.  "Runnin" was also a refreshing bit of real emotion in a sea of robotic voices, constipated whining passed off as singing and cookie-cutter emo-rock guitars.  Other than that, I wouldn't even use this as a coaster; my Cherry Pepsi deserves better.   A God-awful album, but wait...there's more!!!

God, look at that picture.  Looks like a retard version of Fat Albert's Junkyard Gang.  Well there they are (minus Nicki Minaj and a couple of the other hanger's on), Young Money.  Young Money is Wayne's group of rap misfits who, honestly, will probably never release solo albums for fear of eclipsing Wayne's own spotlight.  I mean, look, wasn't Drake supposed to be the next big thing?  His buzz has come and gone and his solo has no release date in sight.  Their debut album, We are Young Money is a collection of obnoxious, hyper-sexual baller rap that is hollow, forgettable and, wait for it....OVERUSES AUTO-TUNE.  The minute I heard Jae Millz use it, I gave up for good.

Basically Young Money is a group of no talent hacks (aside from Jae Millz) who seem to really enjoy having sex.  I mean let's see:  "Every Girl", "Bedrock", "Play in My Band", "Mrs. Parker", "Wifebeater", "Girl I Got You" (which sounds like it should be a '90's R&B beat)..yep every one of those songs is about fuckin' girls.  Which is all good, but gets tiresome.  Especially the fact that they had the nerve to build a whole damn song around a Chris Tucker line from Friday ("Mrs. Parker").  But yeh, I get it...they get alot of pussy.  Supposedly.  We all know Baby and Wayne are secretly together.

"Streets is Watchin'" features a pretty bad David Banner beat, which is shocking...but the hook features a dated reference to Ma$e that'll just leave you scratching your head.  And Nicki Minaj?  Whats the hype?? A sample lyric:  "Been hot ever since Hedgehog/ Sonic The/ Now can you please pass the keys to the Tonica/ I mean the Tonka"...totally mispronouncing Tonka just to force a rhyme?  And she raps in that same irritating, over-enunciating style that Lil Wayne and Drake do, so now it's three times as bad.

The aforementioned "Bedrock" is kiiinda catchy in the way that, if I heard it at the club, I'd enjoy it.  The beat is slick, and Lloyd is dope on the chorus, but seriously: a "Flintstones"/bed-rock reference?  1990 called....
Lil Wayne's two pedophile signings, Lil Twist and Chuckee, show up on the aptly named "Finale", and their inclusion in the group are as boggling as Nicki Minaj is annoying.  Seriously, I wanna punch her in the throat every time she speaks...she is a glorified groupie with a microphone, sit the fuck  down hoe, do something original!!

Rounding out the group are the soundalikes Gudda Gudda and Mack Maine, two useless generic emcees who contribute nothing noteworthy.  Tyga also suffers from the annoying voice/flow syndrome that his compadres have, so I refuse to pay attention to him.  Drake, well, we've discussed him at length already.  He's a piece of trash, undeserving spoiled rich kid posturing alongside Wayne like he somebody.  Please go back to Degrassi, I actually didn't mind you then.  And Jae Millz...damn, Jae Millz.  WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?  You were running your own thing, Most Hated.  You were holding down Harlem.  But you sold your soul to the fucking Gremlin, son.  And for that, you will never be forgiven.  Please, jump ship while you can, you KNOW you ain't gonna get to put out a solo.  Get on your grind again, fuck Wayne and Young Money, Jae Millz, you are a STAR, now go be one and escape this nonsense.

I guess I gotta say something good about this album...I dunno, I liked the song with Gucci Mane ("Steady Mobbin'") and some of the beats were alright.  But this is the weakest collection of emcees I've ever seen.  If you are a fan of mindless, soulless formula hip-hop, then this is for you.  If you have any respect for the genre of hip-hop music or any taste in music at all, you will shit on this CD and feel your heart break just a little bit.  Fuck Drake...fuck Nicki Minaj...fuck Lil Wayne...fuck both of these albums.  Good night.

RATING:  Rebirth:  1 star out of 4;  We are Young Money 1 star out of 4

Hip-Hop 101: The History of Z-Ro

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My Two Cents About Tiger Woods

Well, everyone else in the universe has already said something about it, so why can't I?  I figured I would wait until all (or at least the majority) of the damaging evidence has come in before I weighed in on the matter.  Little did I know it has been like an absolute deluge of trashy white broads just flooding the tabloids with sordid details of their trysts with Tiger.  The mistress tally is at 10 right now, but come on, I'm sure there's probably more than that.  If you couldn't stop at one or two, no way you're gonna stop at 10. 

The main thing that has stuck out in my mind, if you read the text messagaes Tiger shared with one of his hoes, Jamie Grubbs, you'll see he is a very awkward and insecure man when it comes to the ladies.  Always asking about other men, downplaying himself, and just chock-full of the corniest pick-up lines/dirty talk I have ever witnessed.  You could tell that before all the money and the fame, the dude didn't exactly have ladies throwing themselves at him.  He always came across as a nerd, and it's obviously the case.  Except now he's a billionaire nerd, the best golfer in the world, and bitches wanna have sex with him.  And yeah, he'll really "wear them out".  I swear if I ever used that line on a broad, I would get laughed at and ignored--trust me, I know.  But this is Tiger fuckin' Woods, and he has enough money to buy and sell these women's families three times over, so he can be as awkward as he wants and at the end of the day, could bag more chicks in a day than I could in a year or two.

Now the next question: does this excuse his behavior? Absolutely not, but look at it from his perspective.  He obviously has a sex addiction, that's number one.  There's no other explaination for this kind of erratic, dangerous behavior.  He's an intelligent, well-spoken, well-mannered dude...a rational human being wouldn't engage in the self-destructive behavior he has.  Tiger Woods obviously has a sex addiction, and needs help for it.  So don't automatically call him a sleaze bag and an asshole; he's got issues, just like we all do.  He ain't perfect.

Secondly, imagine being a billionaire by the time you are in your late twenties.  Imagine having a smoking hot wife, cars, homes, anything and everything you ever wanted.  On top of that, you are also the best golfer in the world.  You need something to excite you, to pique your interest.  So you start banging trashy sluts.  It's the natural progression.  Like in Funny People, when Seth Rogen joked that he bets Will Smith, David Beckham and Tom Cruise all smushed the tips of their dicks together just outta sheer boredom, imagine Tiger Woods reaching similar levels of boredom.  When you have everything, you need to take things to extremes to get excitement.  Once again, not excusing his behavior, but at least you can somewhat rationalize it. 

What it boils down to, what every talking head has been saying, is that he should have never gotten married.  I agree, but...once again, easier said than done.  Yeah, he should've never gotten married.  Maybe he should have never just gotten really good at golf and made a shit load of money, because then he would just be another average joe, and this would have never happened.  Everyone can sit here and point fingers, but at the end of the day, it's a guy, with a problem, who made a mistake.  A YOUNG, RICH, guy who has been used to getting whatever he wants, a guy who frankly has EARNED whatever he wants, overstepping his boundaries.  Is it right? No.  But come down off your pedestals and stop judging the man.  He's a human fucking being just like you.  And frankly, these mistresses, who had NO PROBLEM sleeping around with a married man, and probably enjoying the fruits of Tiger's labors, who are now coming out of the woodwork trashing the man, and complaining of broken hearts, they are the real villains here.  Manipulative little tramps...if you are so above it, you coulda rebuffed his advances.  Instead, they come across as the greedy skanks they are.

Keep ya head up, Tiger.  You made a mistake, you gonna get help for it, and you gonna emerge a better man and win a shitload more tournaments, make a boatload of more cash, and get tons more women. 

Tiger Woods:  he's a human, just like you and I.  So until you can say you lived a perfect life, I would suggest you stop throwing stones.