And so it begins. My new series focusing on the worst of the worst in cinema. From b-movies to movies that were supposed to be good but tanked and everything in between. And yes, don't worry, I will still be running the countdown of the best hip-hop albums of the past 15 years. Let's get cracking, as our first entry here literally must be seen to be believed.
Back in 1976, Dino DeLaurentis was unleashing his remake of "King Kong", which was also a pretty big stinker. Living up to the lofty standards of the original would be nearly impossible, a feat that even the recent remake helmed by Peter Jackson failed to do. But that's neither here nor there; in '76 Kong fever was in high gear and the only cure was, apparently, more movies starring giant gorillas. Enter "A*P*E"...
The plot is simple: a non-specified party captures this giant ape and plans to take him to Los Angeles or something to put him on display. The ape escapes and winds up in Korea, where an American actress is filming a movie. After destroying some miniature houses and ships (making them spontaneously combust by punching them), the ape kidnaps the actress and its up to her journalist boyfriend and the shittest army of all time to save the day.
Everything about this movie screams amateur night. For starters, the piss poor editing and awful sound. Everything seems like it was badly dubbed or synced up. There is like two songs used in the movie, and boy do they use them. Scenes that involve switching camera angles are just awkwardly presented. One scene in particular where the two leads are in a car discussing romantic plans...one shot they are talking casually and then it abruptly cuts to them sitting in a different position in the car and go in for a kiss. It just doesn't feel right.
And how about that acting huh?? Oooh-wee some choice gems in here. The lady who played the mom on "Growing Pains", Joanna Kerns, plays the lead role of Marilyn, and wow, she's lucky her career survived after this turkey. They even play at some sexual tension between the ape and her, which makes me feel uneasy. The actors deliver their lines in a stilted, wooden fashion. And any movie that as an exchange about how rough you should be in a rape scene is a hit in my book:
Director: "Cut, cut...you have to be more gentle, you don't wanna hurt her."
Actor: "It's a GOD DAMN RAPE SCENE!"
I couldn't be bothered to re-watch the movie again so I am going off memory, but thats pretty much verbatim, following with the director chiming in later, "OK, now remember, rape her gently!" LOL.
The title APE of this movie must be seen to be believed. It is obviously a man in a rubber suit, and at one point you can visibly see him wearing tennis shoes. The ape destroys the countryside, which is obviously models from a train set, and laughably so. He appears to disco dance at times while swatting at toy helicopters and Koreans on hang gliders. And I would be remiss to not mention the SHARK he fights at the beginning of the film. When the ape escapes from the ship where he is being held captive, he swims ashore but first wrestles a SHARK for roughly three minutes and finishes it off by RIPPING THE SHARK IN HALF. When the ape flips off the camera later on in the film, you have to wonder if the creators were really taking this film seriously. I mean, wrestling a shark I can take, but a giant ape giving me the finger, thats where I draw the line. Take a look for yourself:
Bad dialogue, horrible acting, shitty special effects, this movie is awful, awful, awful. But it is also hysterical. Really no amount of words can do this justice...you MUST watch it to believe it. When the ape is finally brought down after being shot by helicopters, toy tanks shooting bottle rockets and more, he first vomits up blood before collapsing. Kind of the same reaction I wanted to have after sitting through this. Still, you can find the whole thing on youtube. Do yourself a favor and watch it. Don't be surprised if you need psychiatric help afterwards, though.
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