As a young whippersnapper of the 1980's, I was born and bred on the likes of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, Ghostbusters, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Super Mario Bros., Thundercats and the World Wrestling Federation. I had a modest collection of G.I. Joe characters as well, but those things listed above shaped my childhood and probably the way I think about a lot of shit in my general day to day life. In the early '90's I also dabbled in a bit of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and finally let go of my childhood for good when I was about 15 after being hooked on Pokemon for about six months. Sue me, I'm a bit of a geek, and Pokemon was, and in small doses still is, THE SHIT. But I digress, I'm getting off the topic at hand because of my love for Pikachu and the gang. You may notice there is one 80's/early 90's staple that is missing from my list.
TRANSFORMERS.
And there's a good reason for that. Growing up, of course I was aware of the show and the accompanying toys. Most of my friends enjoyed Transformers, and occasionally I would watch it. But I just never, ever got into it. Transforming robots was never my cup of tea. Shit, robots in general scare the shit out of me. My biggest fear is not a nuclear holocaust or some terrorist, it's fucking ROBOTS taking over this world, and the way technology is going, don't even front like it couldn't happen. You're gonna wake up one morning and your iPod is gonna steal your wife and turn you into it's slave. And out of spite, the iPod while just constantly play the worst and most embarassing song you have on a 24/7 loop. Yeah, all of us slaves to technology are SO fucked. But wait...let's, once again, get back to the lecture at hand.
So it was only a matter of time before "Transformers: The Movie" hit theaters. Not the cartoon one from the 80's, I'm talking bout the mega-budget shitstorm that took over theaters back in 2007. I mean, come on, what wasn't there to like about this movie? You had Shia LaBeouf with his shit acting skills. He has two emotions: either be a wisecracking smart ass, or over the top frantic to the point it's laughable. Or how bout that nonsense in "Transformers 2" when the symbols start making him have convulsions and start acting like an asylum escapee?? Who wrote with vomit-inducing crap? Everyone paints LaBeouf out to be the next big thing, or the current big thing, or whatever level of "Big Thing" he is at. I don't get it, and I don't see the appeal. I can name five young actors who have more appeal than him right now: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Jesse Eisenberg, Robert Pattinson (yes, get him away from "Twilight" and he's not bad), Emile Hirsch and Anton Yelchin. Yet we get force fed the little runt from "Even Stephens". Fuck you, Shia, you no talent hack!
Oh but boy oh boy, this film franchise is the tip of the iceberg for no talent hacks. MEGAN FOX, I am looking at you. Now look, all the fanboys/virgins love creaming their pants over Megan Fox. Dude, I would, too, if I was sixteen still. But I don't waste my hard-earned money on internet porn, and I am not gonna plop down $8.50 just because "Well, the movie probably sucks, but DUDE, Megan Fox is in it!" This is a woman who cannot act, and her only talent is her looks, and she has said she will never do a nude scene. So she is not even using her meal ticket to it's full potential. She is vapid, tries to play the media like puppets by saying dumb shit, and basically tries to portray herself like this hyper-sexual being because that's what 15 year old boys wanna hear. Sorry, that train left the station for me a long time ago. What turns me on, is a woman who is intelligent, beautiful and talented. Not a low rent Angelina Jolie with less than a quarter of the talent. I hope Megan Fox gets hit by train.
"But, Mike...this is Transformers...people don't go see it for the acting or the story...they see it for the MEGA AWESOME ROBOTS PWNING EACHOTHER LOLZ!" As I writer and someone who values intelligence, these movies insult me. Movies that get $200 million budgets to just "blow shit up"; writers that pen laughable, plot hole ridden scripts with awful dialogue and get paid millions. This is what is wrong with Hollywood. And society. No creativity is left. Americans, and judging from box office receipts THE WORLD, do not want to use their brains anymore. Just recycle a memory from our childhood, BASTARDIZE it beyond belief and serve it on a cold, emotionless, platter. Look, I don't mind action flicks, love 'em as much as the next guy. But all I'm asking is a little heart and soul so you CARE ABOUT THE CHARACTERS. Look at Stallone and Arnold's best works. Shit, perfect example is "Terminator 2". You had your cool robots, your "blowing shit up" and awesome action sequences...but you also had heart. From Arnold's classic one-liners, to his relationship with young John Connor, you actually got sad when Arnold sinks into the fire at the end. THAT is an action movie. "Transformers" and it's God-awful sequel are black holes of bullshit for the ADD generation who would rather watch MTV and play stupid video games than read a book or do something creative. It is a long, loud, obnoxious toy commercial. It's a movie for morons.
But Hollywood and Michael Bay have pulling the wool over your eyes for years. "Pearl Harbor"--SUCKED. "Bad Boys II"--SUCKED. It's just such formulaic, music video style movies. "Let's get some edgy music in here, blow stuff up, and make our heroes too cool to show any kind of human side". The best action movies are the ones who don't take themselves serious. Ex.: most of Arnold's work. You could always count on so many cheesy one-liners and bad acting, you knew what you were in for. Arnold was a likable guy! Then you have people like Nick Cage in "The Rock" or Will Smith and Martin Lawrence in "Bad Boys", who are portrayed as too cool, too tough, or whatever else. There's no appeal in that. Gimme Chuck Norris! Gimme fucking Van Damme! ANYTHING BUT THIS SHIT. Michael Bay is the biggest hack working in Hollywood, and yeah, I know, it's not the most original opinion, BUT IT'S FUCKING TRUTH. Yet people still go see his movies, in droves mind you, so Hollywood keeps cutting the checks. The general public is rewarding bad behavior. It's a reflection of society: we want fast food, stupid reality shows, iTunes instead of full albums, and stupid movies. We are becoming idiots. No, we are idiots. It doesn't take too much effort to think outside the box or rise above what you are bombarded with. Stop being a drone. Maybe that's why people identify with "Transformers", because society as a whole have become heartless, soulless robots who follow whatever they are told.
I refuse to support such crap, and maybe one day the rest of the world will, too. But I just saw "Transformers 3" got a release date of July 1, 2011. So I guess I'm wrong. Shame on you.
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