Cine-Whack: The Worst of the Worst in Film: "Disaster Movie" (2008)

• Matt Lanter as Will "William"
• Vanessa Minnillo as Amy
• Crista Flanagan as Juney MacGuff / Hannah Montana
• Nicole Parker as The Enchanted Princess / Amy Winehouse / Jessica Ann Simpson
• Gary "G. Thang" Johnson as Calvin
• Kim Kardashian as Lisa
• Ike Barinholtz as The Policeman, Wolf, Anton Chigurh, Hellboy, Batman, Alex "Alexander" ("Beowulf"), Prince Caspian
• Carmen Electra as The Beautiful Assassin
• Tony Cox as Indiana Jones
• Tad Hilgenbrink as Prince Edwin

(picture and cast list courtesy of Wikipedia)

Let the record show I had no intentions of ever seeing this movie.  I saw the poster at the movie theater last summer and said to myself, "Oh for the love of God, here we go again".  But sure enough, yes, there they went again. In the infamously bad tradition of "Epic Movie", "Scary Movie 4", and "Dance Flick" comes "Distaster Movie" another awful "parody" movie released in 2008 and in a way, completely lived up to its moniker.  Remember when parodies actually succeeded at poking fun at their subject matter? For example, Mel Brooks' "Spaceballs" or the classics "Airplane!", "Top Secret!", "Hot Shots!" and of course the awesome "Naked Gun" series.  Not the case with "Disaster Movie" or any other "____ Movie".  Nearly every single joke in this movie falls flat, and it's not even really spoofing disaster movies. Bear with me, this was so painful to watch that my brain is still numb.  Allow me to explain.

The general "plot" is about a meteor shower and other stuff destroying a city.  The actors are all pretty much shit but at least you get to look at Kim Kardashian and her amazing..ahem..assets.  Sadly, she gets killed about 25 minutes into the movie and I would personally like to kill the person responsible for that.  When all your movie has going for it is KIM KARDASHIAN you don't kill her off. 

The movie takes it's limp "Cloverfield" meets "Day after Tomorrow" premise and uses it to  take references of popular movies, characters and TV shows, shoehorn them into the plot at random and expect you to laugh.  Unfortunately, you don't.  It wasn't until 45 minutes into the movie that I first smiled, a sequence involving a rabies infected version of "Alvin and the Chipmunks" singing death metal songs.  It was somewhat original and yeah, I laughed.  But that was pretty much it in the humor department.

Let's take a look at some these "parodies" shall we: you got them spoofing the awful-already movie "10,000 BC" by featuring American Gladiators and Amy Winehouse as a sabretooth tiger.  Seriously who is this supposed to be appealing to?  Follow that up with a "High School Musical" number replete with painfully bad Jessica Simpson and Justin Timberlake impersonators and you got one stinker of a movie.  Do you find Indiana Jones being spoofed as a black-midget-who-is-also-a-womanizer to be funny? Then this movie is for you!!  How about a gay Beowulf, which coulda been funny if I wasn't sledgehammered with the fact that, yes, HE'S GAY! Hell there's even a "Step Up" (another shitstorm of a movie) inspired dance off between a drugged out prostitute version of the chick from "Enchanted" and Juno!! The writing and the jokes are so dated and juvenile it's just embarassing for all involved.  I'm guessing the teen and preteen audience still giggle at fart and hit-to-the-balls jokes but I'm over it.

I hated "Juno" to begin with, but I thought that movie could be ripe for lampooning.  In the hands of capable comedic writers, it could.  But the way they spoof the character of Juno here is so heavy-handed and devoid of subtlety, and repeated ad nauseam, that it just never is funny.  It's like they wanna make a spoof, but they are afraid people might not totally get the joke so they force it down your throat.  It's just uncomfortable and ridiculous.

There's an extended three or four minute joke involving "Hannah Montana" which is not even really a joke.  It's Hannah Montana trapped under a meteor shilling merchandise.  But everyone gets that what Hannah Montana is, a vehicle to sell shit to tweenage girls.  It's not funny.  It's too obvious.  Fast forward to the climax of the movie, and when a live action Kung Fu Panda shows up, and talks about his sexual escapades with the Enchanted Princess broad and it's just obvious this movie never had much to work with in the first place.

People need to remember what a parody is.  These movies aren't parodies.  They just take well known characters and put them in absurd situations and expect you to find it funny.  Wrong.  This movie is not worth stealing, it's not worth watching if absolutely nothing else is on, it's not worth shit.  This is one of the most epic failures of modern cinema I have ever seen.  Avoid like H1N1 or a Lil Wayne concert.