Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Cine-Whack: The Worst of the Worst in Film: "The Slime People" (1963)



In the 1960's, what was the biggest problem facing America?  Civil rights issues? Communism? If you said slime people, then my friend, you win a cookie.

This movie is absolute horseshit, not even entertaining on a comedic level.  It stars Robert Hutton as Tom Gregory, a news reporter who lands in Los Angeles and finds it to be abandoned.  He meets up with a wacky scientist and his two babelicious daughters.  The scientist (played by Robert Gailbreath) explains the town has been overrun with slime people who have built a dome of fog around the city.  The US Army has not been able to break through but somehow, Tom managed to fly his plane in (more on that later).

They seek refuge in a nearby television studio where the meet up with Marine and all around terrible actor Calvin Johnson (played with absolutely no charisma by William Boyce).  He drops such insightful gems as this one, when quizzed by the scientist about what he saw when the wall of fog was first formed:

Calvin: "One minute it was just a fog...then it got thick, and hard." 
Scientist: "Well did you touch it? Was it hot, or cold or rough or smooth or what?"
Calvin: "I didn't get close enough."
 Yes, I giggled at the sexual overtones of that exchange, which I'm guessing were unintentional.

They try to shoehorn in some shitty romantic subplots with Calvin and Betty, the scientist's daughter, and Tom and Lisa, the other daughter.  Zero chemistry in each case and both are pretty inconsequential to the plot.  So the characters evade the slime people long enough until coming across NORMAN TOLLIVER, a crazy author who coincidentally knows Tom and has an affinity for goats...kinda creepy.  He is by far the coolest character in the movie, so of course he is killed off about ten minutes later.

Long story short, the scientist discovers that TABLE SALT can penetrate the fog wall, because there was salt on Tom's plane that sprayed up from the ocean and thats how the plane managed to penetrate the fog.  Yeah, lame as fuck, as I know.  They end up penetrating the wall, the slime people die from exposure to hotter air temperatures and that's it.

A boring, drawn out movie that felt like a marathon even though it was 76 minutes long.  The monsters looked like the Creature from the Black Lagoon and the Putty Patrol from "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
covered in human excrement and seaweed. They carried spears, were slow-moving and generally useless.   The sounds they made sounded like a mixture of wet farts and some gurgling mouthwash.  I know, it was the 1960's, but this is just all kinds of bad.  In addition to the monsters, on the villain side of things there were a couple of maniac drunk looters who showed up inexplicably, but the less said about them the better.

I, however, would have liked to have seen more from Calvin Johnson.  He's a Marine, you know.  The movie makes sure to say so over 100 times.  The most useless Marine ever though, as he contributes next to nothing to the escape effort and runs from looters despite being equipped with an assault rifle of some kind.  Norman Tolliver, the whacky goat fucker, showed more balls than this supposed Marine.

I would avoid this one like the plague, as like I said, it's just boring as hell, and the dialogue is not even bad enough to be funny.  Stinkers like this are what makes me optimistic that the forthcoming screenplay I am working on with my friend Gavin will get greenlit. 

Take a peek at the trailer for "The Slime People":



AVOID AT ALL COSTS.

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